You win.

"I adore you by the way, just..."


I crawl into the left side of the bed, still. I have dreams of what I wish he would say, still. I can smell him, still. I can feel his kiss on my forehead as I awake, still. I adore him, still. And I bet he asks, "Why does she stay?" still.

How ridiculous of me to do so. As I'm chasing someone who doesn't care to even be my friend.

He got scared of what he was feeling. He didn't know why he was feeling what he was feeling, how he could be feeling what he was feeling, it was out of his character...it's natural, thats what love does to you. He asked how I could be feeling the way I was feeling, too quick and too deep. I may not have known all of his past, but at that time I was his present; and to me at least I was his future...and thats all I needed to feel to justify my fall. I'm sorry that I couldn't comfort him when the view of the fall became visible. I still love him, whether he is capable or not.

And I would say I wish we could go back...but honestly I haven't even left, I'm still living the past. It's by choice, can't blame him, even though I never did to begin with. Even when I reached out, and he pulled away that night. Even when he rejected my touch and I walked out that morning. I don't blame him. Even when he doesn't seem to care any longer. Even as I live in the memories by myself. I don't blame him. Maybe cause I still love the him in the old "us." I don't want to blame him for being scared, still being scared, for not giving me the choice to become more, for pushing me away, for not loving me the way he wanted to, for thinking he couldn't keep us while keeping himself.

Trust me, I wish I could hate him, dislike him with a slight passion perhaps? I wish I could forget him, just a bit, just for a minute or so. I would make it easier on myself (key word: "I") to let go, really let go. And I can't even say I've been trying, I should be more receptive to learning to live without him, and not let the lingering sweetness of our moments paralyze me. I need to stop having an affair with a hallucination. Enjoy the idea of the old "us" without the hope of the now "us." Stop living a lie all the while having intentionally blinded myself of the truth.

You win. And even though I know I should throw the towel in, it's not that easy. Shit still hurts.