Today I thought...

Its hypocritical of me to beg for your unspoken words, while I held some of my own. I was hesitant to tell you, you sensed the strain, you told me that you'd rather not know. 

I didn't want to tell you of him because its the one regret, one burden I have carried, its the one regret that I've been judged by.  I didn't want to be a disappointment in your eyes, I didn't want you to judge me by one mistake. I didn't want to even think of the thought of hurting you. If I spoke of it, you'd walk away. You know though. You pushed me away, you rejected my touch, you rejected my voice, you rejected my heart for a mistake I did years ago. Still I couldn't blame you for doing so, for it was my past that hurt you. It kills me that you, the one man that I fell for, the one man that loved my flaws, the one that made perfect sense to me, may now only see me as a mistake as well. I hope you see past the past, past the smoke of my perfections into my heart, which you have a hold on.

You hold my heart. I don't know when it happened, but it happened. I fell in love with you. Within three months of my life, I didn't see anyone but you, I still don't.  When I was with you, it would only be me and you, you have a way of making the world stop spinning. You soothed the hurt and anger from my past, because I only wanted to be your present and future, and for you to be mine. I'd love the way you'd lean into me, the time I truly felt I knew myself was when I was with you. You began to feel like home to me.

I didn't want to taint the love we were building, even if I was the only one out of us both that thought that. I didn't want to lose those butterflies you gave me the minute I would see you.

Today, I thought that I'd let you go, that I'd let you be. I know you may want me to ease my own departure, ease your anger by letting go. Although I do adore you, I can't. I can't let go.  I fight, I fight fate for Love. I haven't felt this strong towards anyone, any man before...and if I let go of you, if I turn away from this hope...I will have to live with another regret. I can't do that. I can't. 

Love is patient, so I will wait, wait till you're ready to  look at me, wait to touch your face and tell you...that I adore you, only when you're ready, only if you're ready. I'll forget the urgency but hurry up and wait...for you.