Music=Love

Anthony Hamilton Ft. David Banner "I'm Cool"

"We don't have to leave in the morning, the whole day just you and I. It don't have to get any better, its perfect with you in my life."

Can't wait for the mornings that last all afternoon. 

Intro: Loving

"God, give me the courage to love with an open heart...I want to love with an open heart"

India.Arie "Intro: Loving"



I've been trying to sleep  earlier than usual. I lay there, I close my eyes and try hard to fall asleep, to not think about it, or have to deal with it. I've been trying to sleep earlier than usual to not write, to not feel foolish that I'm still holding on, and as I once told him, "I'm still here." They say it takes double the time you were with the person to get over them. 

3 months of togetherness=6 months to let go (this doesn't even include healing time)


I wore a promise ring. I placed it myself, on my finger, after being intimate with someone who tainted my inner being through a touch to my flesh. I wore it for eight months, not realizing that I had began to hide behind it. Within those eight months, someone close once told me "I think that ring is another wall, another guard...you're not protecting your heart, you're burying it deeper."

Then, after eight months, one night; he crashed into me. After many days of passing me by., he crashed into me. After that night, the sun would rise and rest, and he'd move me without even a touch. I'd lean towards him as if he was the perfect fit for me. I began to unravel myself by baby ant steps. He became more of himself around me. Its not that I didn't want to, cause God knows I did, I did more than ever: want to let myself be vulnerable, let myself fall, let myself love as deep as I let water run. And its not that I didn't, for I was, I was beginning to fall in love, fall into a love I never felt before him. The ring slipped away, as he did as well.

I was selfish, seeking for more instead of breathing in his sighs. I was impatient, did not love in slow motion. I feared to commit, for I thought if I would, I'd fall, not only would I fall, but I would be made a fool.  I feared to love, to hurt. I'm sorry if I did not do what Love would do, bare myself, be patient, endure, not fear for fear is torment, sought my own due to the fear of commitment. 

Love is: 

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."


How I've waited, How I've hurt...all to love, and the closest to Love I've met, it simply stood before me only to be blindfolded by that same wait, by that same hurt..

P.S. And although it may be too late, although you may be avoiding this as I have tried the past couple of days to do so, I stay true to my words, "I'm still here." I may have not won, that doesn't mean I didn't know how to roar. 

Mannequin

Katy Perry "Mannequin"

"How do I get closer to you? When you keep it all on mute/ How will I know the right way to love you...

I want to hit you to just see if you cry...

I wish you could feel that my love is real..

I wish I could just turn you on/ Put a battery in and make you talk/ Even pull a string for you

to say anything..

But with you there is no guarantee/Only expired warranty/A bunch of broken parts/ But I can't seem to find your heart

If the past is the problem, our future can solve it baby/ I can bring you to life if you would let me inside baby/It'll hurt but in the end you'll be a man"

Love it!

Check out the VIBE Blog! Roses Y Handcuffs!

http://blogs.vibe.com/roses/

If not today, then when?

It was natural, simple... it was somewhat perfect. And here I am, 46 states away, killing myself softly.  Every word, every moment, every sigh only has me falling all over again. I do it to myself. I fell in love for more than enough reasons, but was left without even one. I fell in love and it felt perfect, only to me it seems.

If I could let go, if I could give up, even in my dreams give up, I just may... but I'm not ready. And I know what you're thinking, if not today, then when? Not today. His taste still lingers on my lips. I still hold out my arms to his size. When my eyes close, I still see his reflection. I still want to fly back, 46 states back, to steal a key that was offered to me months ago. I still want to whisper those three words to him, and if not today, then I just may save those three words for him. 

Maybe I loved him more than he loved me? Maybe it wasn't even close to love for him? Maybe I unraveled before him a little too late? Maybe I'm pleading, searching for love where there may be none left? Maybe I was in this by myself all along? Maybe I was too much but not enough?

I have a feeling though... that he fell. And when he left,  not only did he he leave words unspoken but a broken heart as well. Mine. 

la verdad

Estoy buscando amor donde no hay

A lighter step

Saturday, March 29, 2008 9:11 AM
A lighter step

He's right, I'm too much, "emotional and passionate." He doesn't want "to rush into it." I'll take a step back, I'll try, but I can't promise I'll triumph. You shouldn't hold back, keep such affection hidden at the bottom, the past times have scarred me. You live once, the truth is apparent in glow. Ill try though in order to not lose him, but he may end up losing a bit of me.

Maybe I shouldn't speak of him to Osvaldo? Maybe I should go one day without calling him babe? I've never called anyone babe. Maybe I should delete his saved text messages, since Jan 27th? Maybe I shouldn't rub his neck and kiss his cheek, as I awake wide awake at 7:45am, anxious for his kiss? Maybe I shouldn't order the blueberry pancakes knowing I can't eat them all but knowing he ends up eating some of the dripping blueberries?
Maybe I could downplay the the anticipation for him to walk through the door? How his presence soothes me?

I shouldn't tell him that I like him more each day. Or that I can't sleep if we don't say good night. Or that all I want is to wake up in his arms. Or that I want to run downstairs to get groceries, make dinner for him while he takes his 3rd shower of the day.

I've fallen into his arms of comfort and trust…which I don't trust myself to...he has front seat to me at my most vulnerable and he comfortably nests in between my lines of refuge. He's soft to the touch Is he really listening to me? I'm a lost soul complicating my simple consecutive moments as I step into each. He's standing still. He tells me to get closer, yet he doesn't whisper a word to me, and when I turn around from him I feel more lost without him.

He has doubts, as do I, yet my hope silences even the ones to come

I don't want to lose him, don't want disrupt the growth of us. Maybe I should take a step backwards? A lighter step?

Tell him.

There is no proper way to start.  I do want to start though, all I want is to start... start all over again with you. I want to fall... fall in love all over again with you. This may be too much for you, and honestly... it is. I've been too much the minute you pushed me away, the minute you caught yourself falling, the minute you got scared, the minute you were clouded with fear...its okay to be scared, it means you have something to lose. But know that you didn't fall alone,  I was there every step of the way. 

It was simple, natural. I was used to a fight with Love in the past, I guess my expectations for one called it upon us. I was scared of loving you, I was scared of unraveling before you...I was frightened to lose you, so I stood still. I was falling hard, deep and quick, so I laid in your arms as the mornings lasted all afternoon, silently. I was able to just exist with you in the same space, without the pressure of words, but only all heart. 

I loved when I'd play with your baby hair, when I'd raise my arms and you'd slip up my wife-beater, when you kissed the milk off my knee as we ate Special K, when you wanted to bring me over medicine at 12 am in the morning, when I brought you every medicine I knew would soothe your sore throat, when you'd drool on my shoulder as we fell asleep on the couch, when we'd spoon, when you'd wrap your legs around mine, as you ate some of my blueberry pancakes at the green diner, when you'd place your hand on my stomach as I sighed, when I danced on your tip toes, bare foot, when  I would cook easy bake pasta, when you held my hand from the diner to your place, when you'd sing doo-wop, when you'd leave George Lopez on to woo me to sleep, when I'd put my finger in your mouth when you yawned, when I went on the path, late at night, and threw rocks at your windows like Pacey from Dawsons Creek, when I'd buy you Chips Ahoy (Chewy) cookies and leave it on your desk before you'd come in, when I'd wait for you to IM me every morning, when we'd mention  names, "Angel." 

The thing is, I never want to let go of the way I loved you. I want to stay a bit longer in your gravity. I want to be who I was when I was with you. I loved the way we'd look after each other. I loved that I'd order blueberry pancakes only because you'd hope I'd  leave some. I loved the way you loved me. 

I want you to be the him in us. I want to be kind, patient with you. I want to give you a key to my place. I want you to bring your towel over. I want you to teach me how to bowl. I want to try all the flavors of Special K with you. I want to be in your arms, even for moments in every or every other month.  I want to say "babe" again. I want to crash into you, all over again. 

I want to be more again... in slow motion. Circle Yes, No or Maybe.

I fell the minute I walked over to 8th Ave for "Hitch" and this shit hasn't gone away since. 

<3 Mariel

"E...you'll find someone that makes perfect sense for you" Mariel Concepcion a.k.a Mari

Lions, Tigers and Bears

"Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask? Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?
...
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas/But the most frightening thing is you and me.
...
But in this love thang, I don’t get the game./Why does it feel like those who give in,they only wind up losing a friend. /Just cause I love you and you love me, it doesn’t mean that we’ll ever be.
...
Im sure though Im not sure/But if we never try, We’ll never know It’s better to have loved then not to loved at all/Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall/And if we do, I’d rather it be with you cause at least there will be sweet memories"

Unsaid

I never told him:  

I was falling into his gravity

I didnt want to be anywhere else but in his arms

I'd get butterflies by the mention of his name

His touch would linger longer than the mornings that lasted all afternoon

I've never been more myself than when I was with him

I loved when he told me he would rather be laying besides me instead of being anywhere else

I fell harder when he told me he couldn't

I loved the way he loved me

I loved the way he was himself with me
He loved me simple and I simply loved him

I'm lingering to, yet still feigning, to the best part... the best part that I left unsaid. Love.

Next Lifetime

I can't let go. In order to not let go, I ran away, 46 states away, I ran away. I've loved through Loves shortest lifespan-3 months. Did I break a record in the fastest time someone has fallen in love? Please give me something... cause I surely don't have him.

He's the simplest love I've known, most humbling love I've known. It never felt as natural to fall for someone as I fell for him. And maybe thats why I fell, it felt unconditional, rebel to Time... it felt like what I've read from God's word to be Love. 

Let me apologize for the next man that crashes into me. I've willingly fallen into someone else's gravity, and I only want to drown deeper into our memories. " He holds me without touch, He keeps me without chains." I found meaning in his name, I became a better person just by being around him. You may treat me with more care, you may stay a bit longer than him... but at the end of the day, ESPECIALLY at the end of the day... you aren't him. I know I need to let go, he's miles away, emotionally and in design. Although his and I's love story may not unravel until the next lifetime, I'm willing to wait till then. I can't let go, not just yet. I apologize that I'm in love with another man.

Bonus:

A written plea to her

You can stop fighting. You can let go. You can cry, let your tears fall with the night, you've hurt yourself more by fighting. You've returned with open scars, but I've been here, I am here and I'll be here. You can breathe.

I know that someone tainted your innocence, took and advantage of you, all of you, and it wasn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself for his sins. Forgive him.

I know someone mislead you, betrayed your  freshly discovered trust while undermining your self worth. You tried to save someone from their own demons before strengthening your own will.

I know someone swept you off your feet and left you on your knees. Let Time heal what Reason can't. You fell in love, you've felt the sun from one side, look forward to feeling it from both; it'll be amazing. Let the "us" be an extraordinary love story to one day tell, short but sweet.

Stop guarding a broken heart, open and let it heal. You don't have to defend yourself any longer. You lost yourself once, and became stronger by  not finding yourself but finding the you that you've wanted to become.

Don't allow worldly voices to lure you into begging for something else or more, stewing insecurities. Don't push away the ones that you know won't walk away without a fight, you've worn their shoes before, love them harder as you know how to. Be strong, still be fragile with your vulnerability. Embrace your shadow then detach when morning arises.

You aren't nothing like you were before, they ought to see you know. Let them see you now.

I've been here, I am here, I'll be here. I am you.

Too much, Too passionate..Yes I Am.

I still fall into the gravity of our past.  I stare at the clock, leaning against my wall, hoping its arms would turn in my favor.   

 You loved as deep, as hard as I did, yet so foolishly and uncaring threw it away at the first sight of fear or uncertainty. When I walked away you'd hold on tighter then you leave without reason, "maybe we went to fast...I don't know how I was feeling what I was feeling...you're too much, too passionate, I love it babe but..."  Its natural though, babe. You don't learn to love someone, you grow to love someone. And if teaching was the case anyways, you showed no signs of deficiency in those three months, I would have patiently taught you how to love. Instead you selfishly left with Reason, and left me with Doubt.

My heart has grown weary of trying to find reason in between your whispers that still resonate. I fell apart when you left me on my knees.  Left me to tell of the greatest story never told, tell it how it could have been. I've been trying to put our puzzle together even though you hold on to the missing piece with tight grasp.

I've blamed myself... for falling in love with you; for not being more guarded with you, instead I was an open book; for finding refuge in your arms; for not loving you in slow motion; for not having fear of giving in or giving all; for fighting you to fight for me; for being more myself than by myself; for feigning for you to be the one to look after me; for being "too much, too passionate"; for you being the final push for me to leave then to stay; for being ready to say "I Love You"  for the first time. 

I stopped wondering why I fell, and wondered why you didn't.

Then I realized. I am all of this, I am too much, too passionate. If they are qualified as flaws, then flaws are the best part. I love hard, I love to the fullest. I love openly and outspokenly. I love with visible scars. I do this all, every time. And yes, it is too much, if your heart is uncertain of what Love really is, mine even though with bruises is willing and ready to experience each degree.  Maybe you weren't open? Or ready? Or worthy? Or strong enough? Whatever it may be, I need to let go of someone that has been gone for months now. 

I do miss you though; us; your touches, your sighs; your kisses; your whispers; your humility; your patience; your simplicity; your calmness; even your flaws. One thing is for sure, what I will always miss is how extroardinary we could have been together.