India.Arie "Intro: Loving"
I've been trying to sleep earlier than usual. I lay there, I close my eyes and try hard to fall asleep, to not think about it, or have to deal with it. I've been trying to sleep earlier than usual to not write, to not feel foolish that I'm still holding on, and as I once told him, "I'm still here." They say it takes double the time you were with the person to get over them.
3 months of togetherness=6 months to let go (this doesn't even include healing time)
I wore a promise ring. I placed it myself, on my finger, after being intimate with someone who tainted my inner being through a touch to my flesh. I wore it for eight months, not realizing that I had began to hide behind it. Within those eight months, someone close once told me "I think that ring is another wall, another guard...you're not protecting your heart, you're burying it deeper."
Then, after eight months, one night; he crashed into me. After many days of passing me by., he crashed into me. After that night, the sun would rise and rest, and he'd move me without even a touch. I'd lean towards him as if he was the perfect fit for me. I began to unravel myself by baby ant steps. He became more of himself around me. Its not that I didn't want to, cause God knows I did, I did more than ever: want to let myself be vulnerable, let myself fall, let myself love as deep as I let water run. And its not that I didn't, for I was, I was beginning to fall in love, fall into a love I never felt before him. The ring slipped away, as he did as well.
I was selfish, seeking for more instead of breathing in his sighs. I was impatient, did not love in slow motion. I feared to commit, for I thought if I would, I'd fall, not only would I fall, but I would be made a fool. I feared to love, to hurt. I'm sorry if I did not do what Love would do, bare myself, be patient, endure, not fear for fear is torment, sought my own due to the fear of commitment.
Love is:
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
How I've waited, How I've hurt...all to love, and the closest to Love I've met, it simply stood before me only to be blindfolded by that same wait, by that same hurt..
P.S. And although it may be too late, although you may be avoiding this as I have tried the past couple of days to do so, I stay true to my words, "I'm still here." I may have not won, that doesn't mean I didn't know how to roar.
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