The Hills

I looked a bit longer at a boy today. I saw him playing with his fingers in class. And I had a flashback of when I was in your bed, playing with your baby hair, and you'd entangle your fingers within mine. My hand fit perfectly in yours. I've had this memory before, many times, except this time , it didn't hurt to reminisce. I smiled to myself, then looked away. Then this boy (while analyzing Shakespeare sonnets) said, "shes rare to him, he fell for her because of her flaws" and I quickly put my head down, as my eyes got watery.

The thing is. This is the only way I talk to you. And although I want nothing more to hear your voice, knowing that you know how much I still care about you dries the tears a bit faster. I know you started to care, fell more than you expected yourself too. We'd miss each other after being minutes apart.  We'd tell each other so. I do agree that our pace was fast, but I think it was that we just got excited. It felt natural. It felt right. It still feels right.  You pushed me away, yet you lingered. Then I told you I was leaving and you lost hope, you lost reason to fight. Why can't you tell me that? Why can't you tell me that you're angry that I didn't fight sooner, harder for you, for us?

I still ask myself how it happened, when did it happen? When, within those three months, did I fall for you so hard? We built castles, yet we broke away before we can build a foundation underneath. I fell for your touch, for the man you were before we crashed into each other, that you were beginning to share with me, for the man you were becoming, for the man you were with me, that man that I could lay my head on his shoulder whether on the train or while laying on his stomach. I miss that man. You told me that you didn't know how you were feeling what you were feeling, that you didn't know who you were when you were with me. I told you that it was natural.  You were a man that was falling, that man you didn't recognize was the best of you. It was the man that was bettering me, that was teaching me to be less selfish, to be patient, to fall without fear, without the consent of Time.  That man you didn't recognize was the man I fell for. That man was you, falling in... I want to be with that man again. But maybe you don't want to be vulnerable, be that man again.

I still ask myself why I can't let go, why these memories no longer hurt, still I love them more each day. I don't want to forget. I want to keep reminiscing. Because in my heart, I know you still care. I know you didn't want me to leave. Don't you still reach out to me when you wake up? Don't you want to try all the flavors of Special K with me? Is it just me? Am I in this alone? Am I holding on to someone that REALLY did let go?

I am in a state you once wished to visit, a state you never been but would love to be in. I"m here. I'm in the state that you once talked about marrying in. I'm in the state that you want to get away too. I'm here, you have  a reason now to come to the Hills. I am your reason.