"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, and waking up is the hardest part...and giving up is the hardest part"
Honestly, I can't do this anymore...I can't be giving in, giving my all, getting hurt like this, getting left like this. I don't want to run the other direction when I see him. I don't want to want to just kiss him when I look over his direction. I don't want to live in our moments, live in our moments alone. I don't want to wonder why he's near but far. I just want him to tell me.
Tell me that my past hurt you. Tell me that there's no hope, that you can't let yourself love me even though I love you. Tell me that you can't forgive me for something that I did before I even knew you , not just of you, and knew I would fall in love with you. Tell me that I should get used to this ache in my heart, that I should just get used to reaching out for you in the middle of the night eventhough you won't be there. Tell me that its time for the white flag, to stop standing still waiting for you. Tell me that I am now getting dressed for two, for myself and someone else, not you any longer. Tell me that you don't plan to keep me in New York. Tell me that I should have never thought of staying because of you. Tell me that I need to find another you to love. Tell me it was foolish of me to fall in love in 3 months. Tell me that you never meant to offer me a key...that you never took off my ring when I, or we, broke my promise...that you never meant to kiss me gently, had me dancing on your tippy-toes, that you'd climb on top of me when I was falling asleep to kiss me on the cheek, that you wouldn't just lay with me to brush my hair to the side as I played with you baby hair as we watched Hitch. Tell me that you didn't love when I woke you up at 7:45am just so you can spoon. Tell me that you left me without any reason or warning. Tell me that you never meant to talk about the future, "our" future. Tell me that I was sleeping with the enemy all along. Tell me its not worth it for me to fight you to fight for me. Tell me that I couldn't fall in love in 3 months, tell me...because fuck...I fell in love.
I want to give up, because even in my dreams, it hurts, even in my dreams I cry, even in my dreams my faith is broken and even in my dreams I am losing hope. I can't lose hope, that's what I am known for. I can't.
2 comments:
I love your writing. It is so unfiltered and packed with true emotion. It is like you take your heart and smeaer it across the paper... Writing is a process of release, and I think you are mastering that art.
I love that song... and you write with such passion... its so sad... and I have been there before... felt all of that before... I know it seems like the hurt will be there forever but you will make it out... you will be able to love again... the challenge is to not make the next one suffer because of the one that didn't know how good he had it... good luck!
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