Flaws and All

It's time...

2009-01-24T02:14:00.002-05:00

It's time to be a woman. be your woman. be my woman. Walk with me, please? As I become... keep becoming threebeautymarks. Anything but ordinary.

tomorrow and on..

2008-12-31T23:36:00.001-05:00

love my insecurities till they live up to perfection. be patient.
count my beauty marks. get closer to Jehovah. let love be. naturally
love. pray. pray more. be a kid. be a woman. be your woman. be my own
woman. flirt cautiously. open up to truth, as it does to me. dance.
sing louder in the shower. buy red lingerie. address all I-O-U's to
her. ice skate in central park. be gentle with the anti-breaks. be
silent. be simple, but deceptively complicated. forgive you. forgive
myself. forgive the before. be gentle. strengthen the delicate soul.
be vulnerable. be me. be fearless again. write without inhibitions.
just write. fade the grey. read. read more. embrace the sun and the
snow. kiss the mirror. buy a yellow dress. be me. be her.

Sent from my iPhone

Days before Yesterday

2008-12-27T05:36:00.000-05:00

I was just reading previous posts. I really did use the term "love." I
meant adore. Right? It wasn't "love." Right?

Sent from my iPhone

I haven't exhaled since you

2008-12-27T04:44:00.001-05:00

He would lay his hands on my cheeks and kiss me. He'd keep kissing me. His hands would leave my face, to leave fingerprints all over my skin. He'd rest his head on the space in between my shoulder and my chest. I'd look away. I'd lose my grip from his hips. As he'd pause right in between me, I'd let out the deepest sigh, never to exhale. I haven't exhaled since... He'd keep kissing me. As we lay, I'd feel his look. I couldn't close my eyes. Not for one second. As I'd slightly begin to rest my lids, I'd quickly open them, bigger each time I caught myself doing so. I couldn't close my eyes, because every time I would, I would see you.

When he would do what you once did, when he would try to do what you once did, I would hurry to swipe my fingers underneath my eyes, before he could see, before he could kiss...the tears. I'd brush his hand off my arm as he'd pull my arm hair. I'd pull back as he'd bite in between. It wasn't you. It'll never be you until its really you.

I think its time for...

2008-12-27T04:04:00.003-05:00

Change. No I won't delete the blog (again). I'm going to revamp. I can only inspire, challenge, love and embrace you by inspiring, challenging, loving and embracing myself, naturally.

I have these fears...I recited them over and over my head while driving home the other day because I know I'd have to face them once i got home.

Fear of:

1. Commitment
2. My heart
3. Replacement
4. Not living up to my full potential
5. Touch
6. The second to last Him (although someone close mentioned "he's scared of you")

...there are more..but those are the ones that have been lingering

All in all...revamp, rejuvenating...me...so I can share myself to the world..cause after all sharing is caring, right?

you used to make me wonder

2008-12-13T22:30:00.001-05:00

True - Brandy

A.Hamilton

2008-12-13T21:46:00.002-05:00

He's amazing. He heals my hurt with his hurt and kills me with his hope.

Her Heart - Anthony Hamilton

Teach me this time

2008-12-13T20:42:00.005-05:00

I taught him the that when he runs his fingers from the tip of my fingers to the top of my arm it's called feathering. I taught him that the way he embraces me, the way he places his arm around my waist, as he rests his chin on my shoulder it's called spooning. But as he grabbed my hand yesterday, in back of the car of our friends car...when he flew a spoon of ice cream in my mouth, he taught me. As he told me that he sees himself in my words, feels like he's near me when I write, he taught me. When he took two steps closer as I took one step back...when I walked away, he pulled me in and said, "its okay to be scared...it's okay, we can be scared" and I finished his sentence by saying, "as long as we're scared together?"...as he leaned in and answered me with a kiss, he taught me.

He teaching me that I deserve anything but ordinary. He's teaching me how to adore out loud. He's teaching me to adore myself out loud. He's teaching me to not hold back something that can be amazing one day. He's teaching me to not be scared of tomorrow when I'm in today. He's teaching me that I've been wrapped in teaching the last him(s) how to love, that I held out on loving myself. He's teaching me that while I was praying for nothing more than to teach the last him to let himself fall, to let the "us" be natural, for love is natural, I held back my naturalness, I held back my adoration from myself. I forgot to realize that maybe I need to be taught. Please teach me everything, all the way back to step one.

It may not last, for I'll fly 46 states away from him...but for right now he's rekindling my hope, rejuvenating the school days love in me, he's rescuing me after the savings that have emptied me. So before I leave, I'm just asking for this, for the next days, for the next moments we create, the next nights we spoon, keep teaching me. Let me rest my wings, and teach me.

What is this

2008-12-06T01:59:00.006-05:00

You have me sitting on my mattress, thinking of "us." There can't be an "us," its as if we don't deserve to be an "us," not yet. We can't seem to find each other, even when we play as each other's reflection. I scream, you only catch the echoes. I take a step back, you take two steps forward, only to apologize. You're the only person I've ever wanted to be distant with and still want you to tell me to come closer. The fact that I've gotten as close to you to be open for you to hurt me, hurts. You say you love me, and for that reason I can't love you. I don't believe it. Do I want to believe it? I do, I not only want to believe it, I want to say it, feel it. But if I do, then it becomes true, you make it real, and I'm scared that when I'm ready to accept it, you won't be there. How can you love me? Love me and still hurt me? Be blind of how you hurt me? Why do I have to explain? Why have I caught myself sighing heavier when I think of you? Why the more I want, the less you give? How can you act as if I haven't shared everything of me with you? How can you make me feel as if I'm that stranger you pass by everyday? Why can't we find our true feelings in between the silence, in between our sighs? Are we purposely sabotaging "us"? Am I?

You can be silent for two-three days, still I wonder what you're writing as I'm driving. You can say hello then disappear, still I hold my breathe. I can't. I'm done, still I await for you to say I'm not.

hi.

2008-12-05T01:37:00.002-05:00

me: alright, I'm gone

him: you're going home?

me: yep, see you tomorrow?

him. yeah, yeah of course. alright, well have a good night. see you tomorrow.

me: (smile), you have a good night ____

him: you too miss

in my head (right after): warning, I run away. Actually I'm going to do so in say...less than a month.

in my head (10 minutes after): for now, for the next two weeks, before I run, run back to him, do you want to go steady?

in my head (30 minutes after): he'd be so cute, we'd be so cute...eh. he's not him. maybe next lifetime kiddo?

in my head (tomorrow, around 3 pm): hi.

You Wanted It

2008-11-30T18:36:00.002-05:00

You Wanted It (Album Version) - Alan Okuye

I mean honestly? I want to pretend, as sometimes I think you did, but I mean honestly? I want to lie to myself and tell myself that it was all my fault. That I fell for you. I still don't want to admit that it was those four words. And I won't actually, cause maybe it wasn't, or maybe it was shavings of those four words. I can't even say those four words, even though you were the only one I was ever close to whispering those four words too. Its time to let go, its been time, I know. I still stand outside, around 11pm and stare at the stars, and love them for they are the only thing that keeps up together, and the only thing that keeps us apart for they have yet to align. I can't blame you. I won't ever blame you. But with or without (in this case, without) your reasons, I can't blame myself any longer either. I mean, I do wake up with a wrinkled nose in the morning, biting my lip, asking "I mean if you want me to let go, then tell me why you haven't?" You haven't right? Because you're not ready to talk, soooooo that means you're still haven't let go (I'm not admitting that its anger, bitterness that you haven't let go of, or if it is anger covers up hurt, so I mean honestly?)

So I'm gonna keep walking past. Call me back when you're ready. When youre ready to accept my application, till you accept my offer. Till you admit that it wasn't all me. That you wanted it to. I don't mind it, you don't have to either. I'm not asking for you to love me, although there's potential, for you were amazing when we were together those few weekends within the three months when all I knew was you and no one else.

Lyrics to You Wanted It :
Sweet and low and to the point
you always get your way
but I've long run out on any thoughts and words to fill the space
if this is suppose to be something more
then kindly explain what all the pain is for
cause you wanted it you wanted it dont lie to me
don't act like i wanted it more
you wanted it you wanted it dont hide from me
its time that we settled the score
once and for all
and i pictured myself up in your face and then i pictured myself walking away
but it never seems to go that way
thats so much easier than what i've got to say
and if this is suppose to be something more
then kindly explain what all the pain is for
cause you wanted it you wanted it you wanted it don't lie to me
don't act like i wanted it more
you wanted it you wanted it don't cry to me
its time that we settled the score (once and for)
all you wanted was to wear me out
test my strength prove my doubts
thats what the losts about
you wanted it you wanted it don't lie to to me
don't act like i wanted it more
you wanted it you wanted it don't cry to me
its sad that we settle the score (ooooo)
its sad that i evened the score once and for all
once and for all
once and for all

Amnesia

2008-11-30T18:09:00.002-05:00

Amnesia (Album Version) - Alan Okuye

I'm so excited. I can't even write. Or it may be the iced white mocha (decaf) I just drank. Jesus, save me. Right after I'm done listening to this song, though? Thanks.

Lyrics to Amnesia :
Help me cause I’m falling and I just can't see you
You came along and took a hold of me.
You gave me sugar-coated valentines
Promises that you were mine.
Tying up my line. Talking dirty to me.
And all I need I thought I found.
You only let me down you went sleeping around. around.
I wanna go back to the day before I met ya.
Things would be better
If I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
I double shot of amnesia
Life could be sweeter (for me).
Everyone was saying what are you doing playin
With her heart when you don't care.
She’s much to young to string along put her back where she belongs.
Why you doing her wrong. its just not fair.
And all I need is piece of mind
I wanna put it behind
Quit wastin my time. My time.
I wanna go back to the day before I met ya.
Things would be better
if I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
A double shot of amnesia
life could be sweeter. (for me)
Yea you only let me down.
How you turn a girl around.
And now I need some piece of mind.
I want to put this behind.
Stop wastin all my time.
I want to go back to the day before I met ya.
Things could be better
if I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
A double shot of amnesia.
Life could be sweeter. (for me).
I wanna go back to the day before I met ya.
Things would be better if I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
A double shot of amnesia.
Life could be sweeter. (for me)

Lights Away

2008-11-30T17:55:00.002-05:00

I found that person. That would save me from you. Or at least, someone I can find comfort in this bitter sweet adoration. Excuse me while I crawl in between her words. Please read the bold, three times. Thanks! (I'll prob post a song of hers each day, blog for each day this week. thats the goal. can I go back to me? Go back to the between of the old me and the new me?)

Lyrics to Light Years Away :
It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won't talk about the hard place

But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away

I can't.

2008-11-23T02:32:00.001-05:00

even write about it. I want to have an oprah session, can't seem to pin point who'd be the one yet though. This one is a toughy. Its not about him..not about us.its about me and Love. Its about me and the old me and the new me. Its about challenging, inspiring the next him (or old him again) through me...challenging, inspiring myself. Its a toughy. Oprah session?

Baby, who's saving me?

2008-11-17T22:20:00.002-05:00

Saviour - Alicia Keys

Just call my name, I'm running to get you
I don't mind cause its just in my nature...you're deserving

After I've given my all, would you be there to save me?
Who's gonna save me when I'm empty, when i need someone to fill me?
Baby, when I'm out saving you, who's saving me?

Right?

2008-11-17T03:57:00.005-05:00

It's because you let me be "emo." You didn't want me any other way, and for that I wanted you in more ways than one. Its because you egged it on. Its because you held the other hand of my emo-ness. That's why its harder to let go, harder than the one before, that's why I don't care to daydream of the next unless you're in his shoes. I can't blame you for anything else but this, only for this. I've been searching for a reason to blame you, to make it easier to let go. Now I do: You started it. Thing is, I took one step to only take two steps back. I am not ready to find someone like you, still waiting on the porch for the you that was when I was with you. I think of how it would be if we would give it another go-around. I don't want the us that we thought we were, I want the us that we could have been, the us I saw us becoming when you'd lay your chin on my shoulder. If you wouldn't have let me get away, if you would have fought for you, if I would have caught your fall when you least expected it...if you were still here, as I am. "I can't wait to figure out who I used to be, so I can say this is who I used to be" and by then, sooner than later I'm hoping, I can be the best her for the "maybe tomorrow" us.

I don't want to be selfish, I don't want a peace offering just yet. I want to re-build our friendship, not to be more than you and I, but to learn more of you and for you to learn more of me. Not unless you are ready...and that's when your silence speaks louder than any sweet words you've once whispered.

"I didn't want to see you again until I could get you straightened out in my mind" (Chester Himes, If He Hollers Let Him Go)

I think we both feel this way. We aren't ready are we? We're going to get there soon though, right? I mean after all, you started it...it's only fair I keep it going, right?

Press delete

2008-11-11T19:11:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about deleting this blog. Just like that. Press delete. At first my reason was that I don't want him to see me grow up, learn to grow and live without him. I want him to wonder, as I wonder. I want him to call right before I walk away. Its too late though. His phone has been disconnected for days now. I don't want to play anymore, I want my ball back. I claim to want to grow privately, except I grow on public display, in front of the person who is the sole motivator of my writing lately. Then I thought, no, I just don't want him to know, to keep seeing me, to keep listening to me, to me still adoring him like it was me and him again, like I was there again. I don't want him to shake his head as he reads this, if he even reads this. I might as well should have named this blog after him. It kills me. To keep on hoping, to keep adoring knowing that I'm alone in it all. I don't know whats worse is him knowing or him knowing and watching me fall in front of him. I want to lay under the covers till the afternoon and cry, just cry. But I dont cry anymore. So I just lay there. Wondering. Is this easing or is this worsening?

"Smash Into You" -Beyonce

2008-11-11T14:25:00.003-05:00

Smash Into You - Beyonce

I'm going to run, smash into you.

I want to run, smash into you.

I'm willing to run, smash into you

Joleen

2008-11-10T20:15:00.003-05:00

I'm currently growing in private. on leave till further notice. no more sharing hurt.

"It sucks, huh?"

2008-11-10T04:22:00.005-05:00

Old Love - John Mayer

I know the truth. I play foolish intentionally. I know you've let go. I know to you this wasn't enough to hold on to, wasn't enough to make me more than one of your best kept secrets, or enough to give me any reason why you turned away. .

Maybe one day you'll find how it was supposed to be if it wasn't this. If it was it sucks, you were right when you said to me, "It sucks, huh?" It sucks to wake up in the middle of the night, reaching over to not only not find you, not find your white tee on the ground, to not wait till you yawn so I can put my finger close to your mouth, to not pull on your grey sweats, to not learn more of you, learn of me with you, through you, because of you...

I just lay here, in my red hoody that you loved me in, the one that now takes me from the thoughts of you to a dream of us, only to wake up in a hot sweat. I've been meaning to give it away, throw it away, you would think it would be easy right? You threw something away , its easy right?

Instead I lay till 11am in my red hoody, putting it on when I lay, throwing it on the ground in the middle of the night, and pushing it under my bed when I wake up. Every night, every morning. It sucks, huh?

He kills me.

2008-11-10T03:22:00.002-05:00

If its not the memories of you, its Mayer.

Comfortable - John Mayer

"Can't remember what went wrong last September
though i'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to

I loved you/grey sweat pants/No make up
So perfect/Our love was comfortable and so broken in.

She’s perfect/So flawless/I’m not impressed
I want you back"

The Hurt-John Mayer

The Hurt - John Mayer

"I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn't, doesn't deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

Gonna make it, like I need her
gonna miss her the moment I meet her
and it's only gonna get worse from there

I'll be rappin' there in the shower
she'll be here by the end of the hour
I can do better
but I can't do better now

How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do"

The Hills

2008-11-08T01:20:00.002-05:00

I looked a bit longer at a boy today. I saw him playing with his fingers in class. And I had a flashback of when I was in your bed, playing with your baby hair, and you'd entangle your fingers within mine. My hand fit perfectly in yours. I've had this memory before, many times, except this time , it didn't hurt to reminisce. I smiled to myself, then looked away. Then this boy (while analyzing Shakespeare sonnets) said, "shes rare to him, he fell for her because of her flaws" and I quickly put my head down, as my eyes got watery.

The thing is. This is the only way I talk to you. And although I want nothing more to hear your voice, knowing that you know how much I still care about you dries the tears a bit faster. I know you started to care, fell more than you expected yourself too. We'd miss each other after being minutes apart. We'd tell each other so. I do agree that our pace was fast, but I think it was that we just got excited. It felt natural. It felt right. It still feels right. You pushed me away, yet you lingered. Then I told you I was leaving and you lost hope, you lost reason to fight. Why can't you tell me that? Why can't you tell me that you're angry that I didn't fight sooner, harder for you, for us?

I still ask myself how it happened, when did it happen? When, within those three months, did I fall for you so hard? We built castles, yet we broke away before we can build a foundation underneath. I fell for your touch, for the man you were before we crashed into each other, that you were beginning to share with me, for the man you were becoming, for the man you were with me, that man that I could lay my head on his shoulder whether on the train or while laying on his stomach. I miss that man. You told me that you didn't know how you were feeling what you were feeling, that you didn't know who you were when you were with me. I told you that it was natural. You were a man that was falling, that man you didn't recognize was the best of you. It was the man that was bettering me, that was teaching me to be less selfish, to be patient, to fall without fear, without the consent of Time. That man you didn't recognize was the man I fell for. That man was you, falling in... I want to be with that man again. But maybe you don't want to be vulnerable, be that man again.

I still ask myself why I can't let go, why these memories no longer hurt, still I love them more each day. I don't want to forget. I want to keep reminiscing. Because in my heart, I know you still care. I know you didn't want me to leave. Don't you still reach out to me when you wake up? Don't you want to try all the flavors of Special K with me? Is it just me? Am I in this alone? Am I holding on to someone that REALLY did let go?

I am in a state you once wished to visit, a state you never been but would love to be in. I"m here. I'm in the state that you once talked about marrying in. I'm in the state that you want to get away too. I'm here, you have a reason now to come to the Hills. I am your reason.

Hate

2008-11-07T02:58:00.006-05:00

I remember placing the bottle of medicine on his counter top. I caught him looking. He looked over as I grabbed a glass of water. Looking until my hands untwisted the top. I caught him looking at my fragile hands before he could look away. He didn't say a word, just turned away. Till this day I still ask myself why he didn't ask why I was taking medicine. I wish he would have. To tell him that its cause of him, I was taking those pills. Tell him that when the doctor asked me what could have caused a heart problem as such at such a young age, I only thought of him, I blamed him in silent. Tell him that when my arm got weak, when my heart palpitated, when I looked over to my mom and told her that my heart hurt, she grabbed my hand and prayed, I only thought of him, I blamed him in silent. How could I have let him kiss me on the forehead, place the fan in front of me as I laid exhausted on his bed after what he did. I thought that if I tried a bit harder, to show him that I wasn't just beside him, but show him that I was there, I've been there...then maybe he would stop. Every night, I would lay beside him, look over and pray for God to give me the strength to lift up his arm and walk out his door. But I didn't. I wasn't ready to let the man that I wanted him to become him go. I wasn't ready to stop loving his potential, even as the man he was, was killing me softly and slowly. The only way to to not lose myself in him, was to run away. Run away from his hold. I remember how he held me in his arms, with such a tight hold, before I got in the car to leave He would call to tell me he would visit, he may move in with me. All I thought to myself was, "you'll make my heart worse, I will surrender in your arms all over again, I can't anymore." I left myself with him. I left with him the person I was before. I hate him for holding me down, for taking advantage of my naivete, for placing himself over me. I hate him for not hating him sooner than now. I hate him for not blaming him out loud. I hate myself for not walking out his door when he needed me most. I hate that I drew the reflection of his potential on the mirror for him to face, over and over again. I hate him for licking my wounds as he kept filling me up with venom. I hate him for the fact that I now run away, because he was one of the two men that have held me down against my own will, my own good..all for his own good, their own good.

I'm getting past the past, without running away. I can't hate that.

okay...I think I'm ready...

2008-11-06T20:55:00.006-05:00

You can breathe. You can stop being angry. You don't have to be ready to speak to me, listen to me just yet. I'm letting you let go of me, of us by letting go of you myself. All I ask, all I feel you will do for me, is for you to be patient with me for it still hurts and I still have hope. Maybe one day we can be friends, but right now, I'm not ready, for I'm still selfish and want more cause...I am still willing to give more. Maybe one day a peace offering. For now, I'm ready to learn to live without you as the "him" for me. So as I close my eyes I say, "okay...I think I'm ready..."

p.s. feel free to stop me at anytime. right now would be perfect.

No. 47

2008-11-06T20:48:00.004-05:00

"What, have I thus betrayed my liberty?
Can those black beams such burning marks
engrave
In my free side? Or am I born a slave
Whose neck become such yoke of tyranny?
Or want (lack) I sense to feel my misery?
Or sprite (spirit), disdain of such disdain to have?
Who, for long faith, though daily help I crave,
May get no alms but scorn of beggary?
Virtue, awake, Beauty but beauty is,
I may, I must, I can, I will, I do
Leave following that which it is gain to miss,
Let her go. Soft, but here she comes. "Go to,
Unkind, I love you not." O me, that eye
Doth make my heart give to my tongue the lie.

Sir Phillip Sidney, Sonnets from Astrophil and Stella

**funny how it takes sonnets to grasp my attention in class. says a lot.

Pink "I Don't Believe You"

2008-11-04T21:57:00.003-05:00

I Dont Believe You - Pink

pretty much as emo as I can get right now.

"I don’t mind it/I don’t mind at all/It’s like you’re the swing set and I’m the kid that falls

No I don’t believe you when you say don’t come around here no more/I won’t remind you
you said we wouldn’t be apart/No I don’t believe you when you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to not love me at all

It looks like you’ve given up/You’ve had enough
But I want more/ No I won't stop, because I just know you’ll come around. Right?

Just don’t stand there and watch me fall because I, because I still don’t mind at all"

I can't anymore.

2008-11-04T00:35:00.003-05:00

I can't keep doing this to myself. Loving you after you stole our safety net that I was weaving. Loving you without your consent, without your acknowledgment of my presence, acknowledgement of our past. Or maybe you do acknowledge just don't care to relive it? Or care to love the us that could have been, could be? I can't keep sitting in the dark, crying silent tears. I can't keep asking myself "why?" every time I wake up to reach to an empty right side of the bed. Its starting to hurt more and more each day I keep loving you. And fuck, is this even love? Is it adoration? It was only three months,? Why didn't you fall? Why did you stand there and watch me fall? Why did you stand there and let me walk away? I can't. Please take this taste of you that still lingers on my lips. Can you tell me that your look doesn't reflect off my mirror. For God sakes, can I not meet another guy with your name! I only sigh and walk away.

The thing is. I don't believe you. I don't believe that you didn't care, that you still don't care. You did, you do.I don't believe this is how you want me to be, this is how you want to be. I don't believe that you don't want us to be...again. You act as if you've had enough, you don't care, but no, no because I am not ready to let go, I still want more, more of you, more of us. Still I can't. I shouldn't. But it hurts so bad that i want to keep loving you.

I can't. I can't anymore. Can't keep thinking about you randomly through out the day. How you'd pull my arm hair when I'd spoon against you? I can't wish you'd fall off your bed, or stump your toe one second then take it back, because I remember that you have a hurt ankle that you still probably haven't gone to the doctor to get checked out. How ridiculous am I? Ridiculously still following the soles of you feet, even forty six sates away, only in my flashbacks. I can't anymore, but I will.

Dear "The Once Her to Me,"

2008-11-01T12:57:00.002-04:00

Dear "The Once Her to Me,"

Can you have loved me a little less? I was getting too close to you. Too close for my own comfort, my own good. There's this fear that lingered onto every word I would whisper to you. This fear exceeded personification. This fear of one day loving you as much as you're still willing to love me. My past became invisible at your presence. Your hold on me felt like forever. Should I let you in as deep as you let me go into you, inbetween you? Can you get out of my head and back in my bed? Can you listen from afar and touch me upclose? I want to unravel inside you not before you. I want to tighten my grasp on your hips, not let you walk out of my door. Have your taste linger a little longer on my lips. I don't want to want more than you, but I do, because you want more than just me. Why couldn't you be satisfied with all but my mind, my pride? You were too much, and I wasn't enough. You were winning me over without a word. You were giving me something I thought I only wanted, didnt know I needed until you left. Something I didn't know I was missing until you walked in. I can't admit that I didnt care about anything but only to be the counter point to the lines you were so diligently drawing. I don't want to care what the lines on your palms mean, so instead I occupy myself by memorizing the outline of your face. We were falling naturally, but not naturally loving. We were building castles without anything under such heaven. I feared you because I feared myself. Maybe if you could have taught me. I didn't want to think of myself as just another notch on your string. You were selfish, I couldn't communicate. You wanted us to become an us, I feared of losing myself in us. I wanted to become an us in slow motion, you wanted to lose yourself in us.

When you were at my doorway, you held your heart in your hands, out to me. By then, I'd convinced myself to let go of the future you made me believe we could have. I saw the hope flush away from your face, your fragile arms dangle, as I rejected your hug. The only way I can let go, was if I made you let go of me. Be courteous to me and let me learn to live without you. When I told you that if I were you, you should let go, now I heard it...I heard your sigh, I heard the hope flush away from your face...again, your fragile arms dangle...again, as I rejected you...again. You need to let go, I let go before you even left. I know it's hard that l let go, I pushed you away and didn't leave you the chance to make it right.

Love (it wasn't...was it?),

Still the Him to You.

Until

2008-10-29T22:18:00.002-04:00

Maybe you were another in-between. One that I must have met and fell for so one day when the greatest love crashes into me, I will do more than whatever I can, must do, at more than whatever the cost. Until I find passion in its "purest crystalline essence."

Gray Area

2008-10-29T00:27:00.004-04:00

I wanted to stay in the gray area a little longer. I found comfort in the midst of my own allusions. The area which you were neither a friend nor a foe. I wanted to unravel myself in the hue of right and wrong. Keep living in the memory of us while looking forward. I hid in the gray area. Right where you left me, without reasons and without reason. The area in which I wasn't wrong for drowning in our one-sided love. The area in which I could keep falling back into your gravity, without your consent. In the area which you kept me down and yet I didn't want to let go. In the gray area I was in the right to hold on a little longer, a little tighter.

Truth is, you didn't fight for us, for me. You didn't care enough. We weren't worth being spoken of. When you care for someone, when you adore someone, you set aside yourself and hold on to them. You didn't. I did. After twirling me, you left me on my knees. I wasn't the her for you. Timing played in your favor. I was set to leave before you shoved me in the heart, before you pulled away from my reach. I waited for you to call me back into your bed, to kiss me longer, and softer. I only met you in my dreams.

"He doesn't know how he hurt you" In case you don't...you walked away without say. One morning, we laid, making each others mornings better again, last all afternoon, invading each others space, kissing until we fell asleep. The next day we broke up without even going out on a date. You hurt me, still I fought for you to allow me to linger onto you longer. I didn't care to know why or how you fell out, all I cared for was that I was still falling into you. You hurt me. You pushed me away. You walked by, acting as if you never knew my name. You made me feel as if I was invisible, I should have faded away. You left words unspoken, only leaving my heart broken, my spirit weak, my mind clouded with doubt. Still, and because of this, I pleaded for another moment with you, I was willing to carry any heavy weight you carried in your heart. I was willing, I was ready to keep fighting...fighting for someone who walked away a long time ago.

The gray area. Where a blindfold was placed over my eyes, at entrance. Still I felt the stream of tears.

Adele "Make You Feel My Love"

2008-10-24T03:58:00.001-04:00

Make You Feel My Love - Adele

pretty self-explanatory.

Would prefer all the time though

2008-10-24T03:42:00.003-04:00

I deserve better, I deserve to be loved as much as I love, or enough to satisfy the thirst. I just don't want to be. Not right now. I want to be wrong. I want to keep loving him like it was the first time I was with him. I want to stay a bit longer in his gravity. I want to crumble at his touch. I want to keep chasing pavements, chasing his heels even if it leads me to a dead end. Will you be there? At the dead end? Just me and you, finally? I want him to move me with his touch. I want him to rest his head on my shoulder. I want him to squish his face against mine as he kisses the side of my lips. Anywhere is fine. Anytime is up to you, I would prefer all the time though. Lay with you as the mornings last all afternoon again, make my mornings good again

Its all in my dreams, I know this. We only meet in my dreams. I'm a fool, I know this. I'm still going to tell him this:

babe? one more night, again and again, of a second chance? I want to make you feel my love. I want to feel yours again, I want to feel you again.

just remembering

2008-10-23T17:22:00.001-04:00

how we'd say goodnight every night. how we'd stay up till the other one would fall asleep first, it'd usually be me. how I'd rub your stomach to wake you up in the middle of the night. how I'd close my eyes as you'd kiss me on my forehead. how I'd feather your arm, from your shoulder to your fingertips, to woo you to sleep. how we'd make room for each other on your couch. didn't want to be an inch away from you, now I am miles away, still wanting to not be an inch away from you. how I'd put my arms up, and you'd slide up my wife-beater. how you'd play with my fingers as I'd lay by you. how you told me I've never looked more beautiful than right there, with you, you in your tank top and me in my red hoodie. how I'd play with your baby hair. how you'd let me sleep as you'd go cut your hair. how you'd walk in, gently lay over me and kiss my cheek. how you were the man I fell for.

some days are easier than others. some days all I pray for is for the permanence of the belief that it was all true, it was natural. please, don't take that away from me. i don't want the memories if they were all a lie...and I want the memories because they re all I have left of you. some days, most days, all I want, all I want to ask you is, can we have one more night of a second chance..then again and again?

Take Me

2008-10-21T21:47:00.001-04:00

If I was still there...

I'd stand outside your door with a radio over my head. If you couldn't care to love me still, I'd still only care to love you. I'd stand, wait for you to pass me by so the breeze of your pace can take me away to how we were. I'd stare at you play with your fingers to take me back to when you'd leave your fingerprints all over me. I want to live in torture. I want to keep chasing your heels.

I want to taste you on my lips. I want to bathe in your scent. Let's cross the line, every night. Invade my space. Touch me where only I want you to touch me. Kiss my knees, as I wrap you in my legs. I'll inhale as you exhale. Catch my fall into you. Dig your grip into my hips. Leave me breathless. You feel so good inside my love.

Lie to me, fool me..don't let me run away to anywhere but back into you. Don't say a word, don't tell me that we're no longer. Let's just be...for one more day, two more nights. I fit perfectly in your arms. Complicate my life with your simplicity. Put my life on stand still in your eyes.

I'm only myself, I'm only safe...with you, near you.

This is far from reason, far from sanity. You kill me everyday, but on the nights I'm with you, I breathe again, I live again.

Take me and don't let me go. Don't let me let you go

Who knows

2008-10-20T02:13:00.003-04:00

I go to bed mad at you every night. And its only okay because in my dreams, we're better than the dream before. And maybe you fought, but I fought harder. Yet eventhough we haven't spoken for months, I feel as if we both lost here, maybe we both want it to work but know we can't. Maybe that's why you live in silence, you are trying to be courteuous of both of our hearts. The only time you speak to me, is in my dreams. Maybe the only way to save us from future damage, was that you had to walk away with no say, except i hate that you won't let me make it right.

The thing is, that even if it's true, even if that was your reason..to me, it's not enough, it's not worth it, it's bullshit. I was willing to fight harder, love harder, be closer to you than when I was in the same room as you. I wasn't only willing, I was ready. I was willing to fight harder, love harder. Its who I am...you didn't let me be who I am with you, maybe cause you didn't feel it necessary to be that much of me with you. Not enough? Too much? Or just simply perfect?

I just didn't prepare myself to fight you to love me.

Truth.

2008-10-19T01:59:00.004-04:00

Part Of The List - Ne-Yo

Ne-Yo "Part Of The List"

"Our quiet time...the stories you'd tell when we'd lay in bed all afternoon...touching your face, invading your space...they're part of the list, things that I miss..

What I notice is this, I come up with something new, every single time I sit and reminisce.

When you live in my memories, forever more, I swear, I love you more..."

I Love, You Love

2008-10-19T01:52:00.001-04:00

I Love, You Love - John Legend

John Legend, "I Love, You Love"

It kills.

2008-10-19T01:09:00.004-04:00

I burnt myself. Over my heart. It was my fault, I turned the heat to the highest degree. I wasn't attentive, I didn't care to be. Why this time? By now, it was a routine, somewhat unspoken. In less than thirty seconds, there was a rush, a jar of emotions and mind. In less than thirty seconds I teared up as the pierced pain rushed back to its orphanage. A bit of my flesh peeled off. I'm exposed to impurity. A deeper seam of my flesh is vulnerable to yonder pain. I stood there, in amazement, felt foolish, I was too close to comfort, and yet I was comfortable enough to pull it in closer. The ache keeps me up at night. If I give it any attention it seems to ease for a second, then burn stronger than before so. The pain lingers, it doesn't let me rest, it doesn't let me forget. When I look in the mirror, I am not the girl of yesterday. I'm scarred, and its visible... even to the eye of a stranger, especially of a stranger. I have a wound. My mother says to not cover it up, let it breathe, let it be, let it heal. If it was only that simple. As the pain wakes me up, I lay still and wonder if I should wear it with pride, show the strength I have left. I get up and run to find a band-aid only to find that I don't have one big enough for the open wound. So I will show everyone. It will heal. It will bruise, it will scar, it will heal. Through out it all, I will wake up each night, I will scream with wrath, from frustration, only to try to ignore the ache. I burnt myself.

Hello, Coldness

2008-10-16T01:01:00.003-04:00

insert emotions here..because I woke up numb. I woke up saying two words, "Hello, Coldness."

Heartless

2008-10-15T02:44:00.004-04:00

Heartless - Kanye West

"How could you be so heartless?

How could you be so...cold as the winter wind when it breathes, yo.

After all the things we been through, I mean after all the things we got into. Ay I know some things you ain't told me. Yo, I did some things but that's the old me. Now you want to get me back, and you gonna show me. So you walk around like you don't know me...you got a new friend, but I got homies...but at the end its still so lonely

You're bringing out a side of me that I don't know...you wait a couple months and you gonna see, you won't find nobody better than me

Baby lets just knock it off, they don't' know what we been through, they don't know about me and you

You just goin keep hating me. We goin just be enemies

I know you can't believe I could just leave it wrong. And you can't make it right."

After The Hurricane

2008-10-15T01:33:00.003-04:00

After The Hurricane - Jazmine Sullivan

He's been acting really strange
He starts talkin' and I tuned him out
It doesn't matter anyway
Because I knew as soon as I saw clouds, yea
I knew what he was gonna say

Cuz when the tears start flowin' and the wind starts blowin'
That's how you know it's comin' for you
When the rain start fallin' and you feel the pain comin'
That's how you know it's comin' for you

Just like a hurricane...the way you break everything that comes in your way...the way you broke my heart and now I'm left with the pain

Baby I'm not surprised
You said just what I thought you would
And it hurts I ain't gon' lie
But it doesn't hurt as bad as it could

Now my life is shattered, and I'm left to pick up the pieces
And find a new beginning and put it back together again
After the hurricane

Hate and Love

2008-10-15T00:15:00.002-04:00

Everybody Knows - John Legend

"I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy...I still can't believe you found somebody knew, but I wish you the best...I guess. Everybody knows that nobody really knows how to make it work or how to ease the hurt. We've heard it all before, everybody knows how to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try"

I'm in between. There's the hate.

I hate that you've casted reason to time. I hate that you left me on my knees, without a hello or goodbye. I couldn't even hate your hesitancy, and your "yes" to when I asked if you'd let go of me if you were me, I hate that afterwards I thought to myself, "What if I ask tomorrow? Still yes?" I hate that a part of me wanted to continue to live the lie, continue to live the lie even if by myself. I hate that I knew it was coming. I hate that I dragged the days along, without speaking to you, hoping that one morning you'd text me, "babe." I hate that if asked if I want a friendship, I would say yes, not because it's what would build a strong relationship, but yes because I'd still have you in my life. I hate that I'm selfish like that. I hate that you didn't love me naturally. I hate that you let "us" be a story to never be told. I hate that a bit of me wishes you'll regret not fighting for me, fighting for us. I hate that I was ready when you weren't, I hate that I was ready the minute I sat by you on the train. I hate that when you were forsaking me, you would do so as if it was another thing to do on your priority list. I hate that you checked me off, so quickly. I hate that I can no longer love you the way I loved you before today. I hate that I've shed my skin, to only be bruise closer to my soul. I hate that you didn't want me. I hate that I have to learn to live without you. I hate that, at times, I doubt if you were lieing all along. I hate that my love never reached you, even when arms apart. I hate that I hate now, when it comes to you. I hate it because you were the closest to love I felt.

And there's the love.

I love that although you hurt me, I still plan to return to Love. I love that I no longer need to live in a memory, live in the past by myself. I love that I've, more like you've, taken the blindfold off. I love that even though you turned around on me, I'm the one walking away. I love that, even if I curse at it, I still have hope. I love that I was willing to sacrifice, be patient with you. I love that I met a woman I love, when I was with you: I met me. I love that I no longer will look somewhere else, or in someone else for something that I need to find in myself. I love that I can't wait till I love again. I can't wait to feel the sun from both sides, till someone compliments me, till I spoon again, till someone makes perfect sense to me, till someone loves me flaws and all, till someone makes my world stop spinning, till someone speaks his heart without fear, till fear doesn't torment but makes him appreciate "us" even more, hold me a little tighter, kiss a little softer.

Today I thought...

2008-10-12T16:50:00.003-04:00

Its hypocritical of me to beg for your unspoken words, while I held some of my own. I was hesitant to tell you, you sensed the strain, you told me that you'd rather not know.

I didn't want to tell you of him because its the one regret, one burden I have carried, its the one regret that I've been judged by. I didn't want to be a disappointment in your eyes, I didn't want you to judge me by one mistake. I didn't want to even think of the thought of hurting you. If I spoke of it, you'd walk away. You know though. You pushed me away, you rejected my touch, you rejected my voice, you rejected my heart for a mistake I did years ago. Still I couldn't blame you for doing so, for it was my past that hurt you. It kills me that you, the one man that I fell for, the one man that loved my flaws, the one that made perfect sense to me, may now only see me as a mistake as well. I hope you see past the past, past the smoke of my perfections into my heart, which you have a hold on.

You hold my heart. I don't know when it happened, but it happened. I fell in love with you. Within three months of my life, I didn't see anyone but you, I still don't. When I was with you, it would only be me and you, you have a way of making the world stop spinning. You soothed the hurt and anger from my past, because I only wanted to be your present and future, and for you to be mine. I'd love the way you'd lean into me, the time I truly felt I knew myself was when I was with you. You began to feel like home to me.

I didn't want to taint the love we were building, even if I was the only one out of us both that thought that. I didn't want to lose those butterflies you gave me the minute I would see you.

Today, I thought that I'd let you go, that I'd let you be. I know you may want me to ease my own departure, ease your anger by letting go. Although I do adore you, I can't. I can't let go. I fight, I fight fate for Love. I haven't felt this strong towards anyone, any man before...and if I let go of you, if I turn away from this hope...I will have to live with another regret. I can't do that. I can't.

Love is patient, so I will wait, wait till you're ready to look at me, wait to touch your face and tell you...that I adore you, only when you're ready, only if you're ready. I'll forget the urgency but hurry up and wait...for you.

Maybe...obviously

2008-10-07T21:53:00.004-04:00

It wasn't about us. Maybe that's why. It was about you, cause there was you. It was about me, cause there was me. It was about everything, everyone but us. Maybe its because there wasn't an us.

Maybe I should have kissed you a bit softer. Maybe I should have left before the mornings would last all afternoon. Maybe if I would have tried to cover the smile--with both hands--you brought upon me when you walked through the door. Maybe if I was less soft, gushy and disgusting with you. Maybe if I didn't adore you. Maybe if I didn't want to grow with you, walk with you. Maybe if I didn't turn around only so you would pull me back in your arms.

Maybe you would have let yourself adore me. Maybe you would have trusted yourself with me. Maybe you wouldn't have fallen to your knees at the thought of us, or more like ran at the sight of an us. Maybe you wouldnt have been scared of me because you were scared of yourself. Maybe you would have loved me with my reading glasses. Maybe you would have seen that my towel was pink. Maybe you would have seen and felt that I am amazing.

Maybe we'd still be. Maybe we'd be us. Maybe we'd be extraordinary.

Now me being the "me" that wanted an "us" with "you"...will still hold on to what reminds me of you..even if its holding onto Fabolous & Tamia (or Ashanti) "So Into You"... cause that's the closest to an us that I know of; maybe will ever know.

You win.

2008-10-05T14:50:00.003-04:00

"I adore you by the way, just..."

I crawl into the left side of the bed, still. I have dreams of what I wish he would say, still. I can smell him, still. I can feel his kiss on my forehead as I awake, still. I adore him, still. And I bet he asks, "Why does she stay?" still.

How ridiculous of me to do so. As I'm chasing someone who doesn't care to even be my friend.

He got scared of what he was feeling. He didn't know why he was feeling what he was feeling, how he could be feeling what he was feeling, it was out of his character...it's natural, thats what love does to you. He asked how I could be feeling the way I was feeling, too quick and too deep. I may not have known all of his past, but at that time I was his present; and to me at least I was his future...and thats all I needed to feel to justify my fall. I'm sorry that I couldn't comfort him when the view of the fall became visible. I still love him, whether he is capable or not.

And I would say I wish we could go back...but honestly I haven't even left, I'm still living the past. It's by choice, can't blame him, even though I never did to begin with. Even when I reached out, and he pulled away that night. Even when he rejected my touch and I walked out that morning. I don't blame him. Even when he doesn't seem to care any longer. Even as I live in the memories by myself. I don't blame him. Maybe cause I still love the him in the old "us." I don't want to blame him for being scared, still being scared, for not giving me the choice to become more, for pushing me away, for not loving me the way he wanted to, for thinking he couldn't keep us while keeping himself.

Trust me, I wish I could hate him, dislike him with a slight passion perhaps? I wish I could forget him, just a bit, just for a minute or so. I would make it easier on myself (key word: "I") to let go, really let go. And I can't even say I've been trying, I should be more receptive to learning to live without him, and not let the lingering sweetness of our moments paralyze me. I need to stop having an affair with a hallucination. Enjoy the idea of the old "us" without the hope of the now "us." Stop living a lie all the while having intentionally blinded myself of the truth.

You win. And even though I know I should throw the towel in, it's not that easy. Shit still hurts.

Love Lockdown

2008-09-08T13:33:00.002-04:00

"I had to run from you/I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong/ You never know, never know enough until its over love/I said I'm through but I got love for you, but I'm not loving you the way I wanted to...keep it moving, keep the love gone/God only knows if I'll be with you, baby I'm confused, you choose/We're just racing time...so keep your love lock down"

I mean...those lyrics...you're fucken kiddin me right?

Music=Love

2008-08-30T23:48:00.003-04:00

Anthony Hamilton Ft. David Banner "I'm Cool"

im cool - anthony hamilton ft david banner

"We don't have to leave in the morning, the whole day just you and I. It don't have to get any better, its perfect with you in my life."

Can't wait for the mornings that last all afternoon.

Intro: Loving

2008-08-29T03:23:00.003-04:00

Loving - India Arie

"God, give me the courage to love with an open heart...I want to love with an open heart"

India.Arie "Intro: Loving"

I've been trying to sleep earlier than usual. I lay there, I close my eyes and try hard to fall asleep, to not think about it, or have to deal with it. I've been trying to sleep earlier than usual to not write, to not feel foolish that I'm still holding on, and as I once told him, "I'm still here." They say it takes double the time you were with the person to get over them.

3 months of togetherness=6 months to let go (this doesn't even include healing time)

I wore a promise ring. I placed it myself, on my finger, after being intimate with someone who tainted my inner being through a touch to my flesh. I wore it for eight months, not realizing that I had began to hide behind it. Within those eight months, someone close once told me "I think that ring is another wall, another guard...you're not protecting your heart, you're burying it deeper."

Then, after eight months, one night; he crashed into me. After many days of passing me by., he crashed into me. After that night, the sun would rise and rest, and he'd move me without even a touch. I'd lean towards him as if he was the perfect fit for me. I began to unravel myself by baby ant steps. He became more of himself around me. Its not that I didn't want to, cause God knows I did, I did more than ever: want to let myself be vulnerable, let myself fall, let myself love as deep as I let water run. And its not that I didn't, for I was, I was beginning to fall in love, fall into a love I never felt before him. The ring slipped away, as he did as well.

I was selfish, seeking for more instead of breathing in his sighs. I was impatient, did not love in slow motion. I feared to commit, for I thought if I would, I'd fall, not only would I fall, but I would be made a fool. I feared to love, to hurt. I'm sorry if I did not do what Love would do, bare myself, be patient, endure, not fear for fear is torment, sought my own due to the fear of commitment.

Love is:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

How I've waited, How I've hurt...all to love, and the closest to Love I've met, it simply stood before me only to be blindfolded by that same wait, by that same hurt..

P.S. And although it may be too late, although you may be avoiding this as I have tried the past couple of days to do so, I stay true to my words, "I'm still here." I may have not won, that doesn't mean I didn't know how to roar.

Mannequin

2008-08-29T03:12:00.002-04:00

Katy Perry "Mannequin"

Mannequin - Katy Perry

"How do I get closer to you? When you keep it all on mute/ How will I know the right way to love you...

I want to hit you to just see if you cry...

I wish you could feel that my love is real..

I wish I could just turn you on/ Put a battery in and make you talk/ Even pull a string for you

to say anything..

But with you there is no guarantee/Only expired warranty/A bunch of broken parts/ But I can't seem to find your heart

If the past is the problem, our future can solve it baby/ I can bring you to life if you would let me inside baby/It'll hurt but in the end you'll be a man"

Love it!

2008-08-26T16:31:00.002-04:00

Check out the VIBE Blog! Roses Y Handcuffs!

http://blogs.vibe.com/roses/

If not today, then when?

2008-08-18T01:10:00.004-04:00

It was natural, simple... it was somewhat perfect. And here I am, 46 states away, killing myself softly. Every word, every moment, every sigh only has me falling all over again. I do it to myself. I fell in love for more than enough reasons, but was left without even one. I fell in love and it felt perfect, only to me it seems.

If I could let go, if I could give up, even in my dreams give up, I just may... but I'm not ready. And I know what you're thinking, if not today, then when? Not today. His taste still lingers on my lips. I still hold out my arms to his size. When my eyes close, I still see his reflection. I still want to fly back, 46 states back, to steal a key that was offered to me months ago. I still want to whisper those three words to him, and if not today, then I just may save those three words for him.

Maybe I loved him more than he loved me? Maybe it wasn't even close to love for him? Maybe I unraveled before him a little too late? Maybe I'm pleading, searching for love where there may be none left? Maybe I was in this by myself all along? Maybe I was too much but not enough?

I have a feeling though... that he fell. And when he left, not only did he he leave words unspoken but a broken heart as well. Mine.

la verdad

2008-08-18T00:58:00.002-04:00

Estoy buscando amor donde no hay

A lighter step

2008-08-17T21:42:00.000-04:00

Saturday, March 29, 2008 9:11 AM
A lighter step

He's right, I'm too much, "emotional and passionate." He doesn't want "to rush into it." I'll take a step back, I'll try, but I can't promise I'll triumph. You shouldn't hold back, keep such affection hidden at the bottom, the past times have scarred me. You live once, the truth is apparent in glow. Ill try though in order to not lose him, but he may end up losing a bit of me.

Maybe I shouldn't speak of him to Osvaldo? Maybe I should go one day without calling him babe? I've never called anyone babe. Maybe I should delete his saved text messages, since Jan 27th? Maybe I shouldn't rub his neck and kiss his cheek, as I awake wide awake at 7:45am, anxious for his kiss? Maybe I shouldn't order the blueberry pancakes knowing I can't eat them all but knowing he ends up eating some of the dripping blueberries?
Maybe I could downplay the the anticipation for him to walk through the door? How his presence soothes me?

I shouldn't tell him that I like him more each day. Or that I can't sleep if we don't say good night. Or that all I want is to wake up in his arms. Or that I want to run downstairs to get groceries, make dinner for him while he takes his 3rd shower of the day.

I've fallen into his arms of comfort and trust…which I don't trust myself to...he has front seat to me at my most vulnerable and he comfortably nests in between my lines of refuge. He's soft to the touch Is he really listening to me? I'm a lost soul complicating my simple consecutive moments as I step into each. He's standing still. He tells me to get closer, yet he doesn't whisper a word to me, and when I turn around from him I feel more lost without him.

He has doubts, as do I, yet my hope silences even the ones to come

I don't want to lose him, don't want disrupt the growth of us. Maybe I should take a step backwards? A lighter step?

Tell him.

2008-08-17T01:13:00.009-04:00

Tell Him - Lauryn Hill

There is no proper way to start. I do want to start though, all I want is to start... start all over again with you. I want to fall... fall in love all over again with you. This may be too much for you, and honestly... it is. I've been too much the minute you pushed me away, the minute you caught yourself falling, the minute you got scared, the minute you were clouded with fear...its okay to be scared, it means you have something to lose. But know that you didn't fall alone, I was there every step of the way.

It was simple, natural. I was used to a fight with Love in the past, I guess my expectations for one called it upon us. I was scared of loving you, I was scared of unraveling before you...I was frightened to lose you, so I stood still. I was falling hard, deep and quick, so I laid in your arms as the mornings lasted all afternoon, silently. I was able to just exist with you in the same space, without the pressure of words, but only all heart.

I loved when I'd play with your baby hair, when I'd raise my arms and you'd slip up my wife-beater, when you kissed the milk off my knee as we ate Special K, when you wanted to bring me over medicine at 12 am in the morning, when I brought you every medicine I knew would soothe your sore throat, when you'd drool on my shoulder as we fell asleep on the couch, when we'd spoon, when you'd wrap your legs around mine, as you ate some of my blueberry pancakes at the green diner, when you'd place your hand on my stomach as I sighed, when I danced on your tip toes, bare foot, when I would cook easy bake pasta, when you held my hand from the diner to your place, when you'd sing doo-wop, when you'd leave George Lopez on to woo me to sleep, when I'd put my finger in your mouth when you yawned, when I went on the path, late at night, and threw rocks at your windows like Pacey from Dawsons Creek, when I'd buy you Chips Ahoy (Chewy) cookies and leave it on your desk before you'd come in, when I'd wait for you to IM me every morning, when we'd mention names, "Angel."

The thing is, I never want to let go of the way I loved you. I want to stay a bit longer in your gravity. I want to be who I was when I was with you. I loved the way we'd look after each other. I loved that I'd order blueberry pancakes only because you'd hope I'd leave some. I loved the way you loved me.

I want you to be the him in us. I want to be kind, patient with you. I want to give you a key to my place. I want you to bring your towel over. I want you to teach me how to bowl. I want to try all the flavors of Special K with you. I want to be in your arms, even for moments in every or every other month. I want to say "babe" again. I want to crash into you, all over again.

I want to be more again... in slow motion. Circle Yes, No or Maybe.

I fell the minute I walked over to 8th Ave for "Hitch" and this shit hasn't gone away since.

<3 Mariel

2008-08-15T17:19:00.004-04:00

"E...you'll find someone that makes perfect sense for you" Mariel Concepcion a.k.a Mari

Lions, Tigers and Bears

2008-08-14T11:47:00.002-04:00

lions tigers & Bears

"Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask? Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?
...
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas/But the most frightening thing is you and me.
...
But in this love thang, I don’t get the game./Why does it feel like those who give in,they only wind up losing a friend. /Just cause I love you and you love me, it doesn’t mean that we’ll ever be.
...
Im sure though Im not sure/But if we never try, We’ll never know It’s better to have loved then not to loved at all/Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall/And if we do, I’d rather it be with you cause at least there will be sweet memories"

Unsaid

2008-08-14T09:20:00.004-04:00

I never told him:

I was falling into his gravity

I didnt want to be anywhere else but in his arms

I'd get butterflies by the mention of his name

His touch would linger longer than the mornings that lasted all afternoon

I've never been more myself than when I was with him

I loved when he told me he would rather be laying besides me instead of being anywhere else

I fell harder when he told me he couldn't

I loved the way he loved me

I loved the way he was himself with me
He loved me simple and I simply loved him

I'm lingering to, yet still feigning, to the best part... the best part that I left unsaid. Love.

Next Lifetime

2008-08-12T05:05:00.005-04:00

In Love With Another Man - Jazmine Sullivan

I can't let go. In order to not let go, I ran away, 46 states away, I ran away. I've loved through Loves shortest lifespan-3 months. Did I break a record in the fastest time someone has fallen in love? Please give me something... cause I surely don't have him.

He's the simplest love I've known, most humbling love I've known. It never felt as natural to fall for someone as I fell for him. And maybe thats why I fell, it felt unconditional, rebel to Time... it felt like what I've read from God's word to be Love.

Let me apologize for the next man that crashes into me. I've willingly fallen into someone else's gravity, and I only want to drown deeper into our memories. " He holds me without touch, He keeps me without chains." I found meaning in his name, I became a better person just by being around him. You may treat me with more care, you may stay a bit longer than him... but at the end of the day, ESPECIALLY at the end of the day... you aren't him. I know I need to let go, he's miles away, emotionally and in design. Although his and I's love story may not unravel until the next lifetime, I'm willing to wait till then. I can't let go, not just yet. I apologize that I'm in love with another man.

Bonus:
Erykah Badu - Next Lifetime - Erykah Badu

A written plea to her

2008-08-10T13:23:00.004-04:00

You can stop fighting. You can let go. You can cry, let your tears fall with the night, you've hurt yourself more by fighting. You've returned with open scars, but I've been here, I am here and I'll be here. You can breathe.

I know that someone tainted your innocence, took and advantage of you, all of you, and it wasn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself for his sins. Forgive him.

I know someone mislead you, betrayed your freshly discovered trust while undermining your self worth. You tried to save someone from their own demons before strengthening your own will.

I know someone swept you off your feet and left you on your knees. Let Time heal what Reason can't. You fell in love, you've felt the sun from one side, look forward to feeling it from both; it'll be amazing. Let the "us" be an extraordinary love story to one day tell, short but sweet.

Stop guarding a broken heart, open and let it heal. You don't have to defend yourself any longer. You lost yourself once, and became stronger by not finding yourself but finding the you that you've wanted to become.

Don't allow worldly voices to lure you into begging for something else or more, stewing insecurities. Don't push away the ones that you know won't walk away without a fight, you've worn their shoes before, love them harder as you know how to. Be strong, still be fragile with your vulnerability. Embrace your shadow then detach when morning arises.

You aren't nothing like you were before, they ought to see you know. Let them see you now.

I've been here, I am here, I'll be here. I am you.

Too much, Too passionate..Yes I Am.

2008-08-06T22:42:00.009-04:00

I still fall into the gravity of our past. I stare at the clock, leaning against my wall, hoping its arms would turn in my favor.

You loved as deep, as hard as I did, yet so foolishly and uncaring threw it away at the first sight of fear or uncertainty. When I walked away you'd hold on tighter then you leave without reason, "maybe we went to fast...I don't know how I was feeling what I was feeling...you're too much, too passionate, I love it babe but..." Its natural though, babe. You don't learn to love someone, you grow to love someone. And if teaching was the case anyways, you showed no signs of deficiency in those three months, I would have patiently taught you how to love. Instead you selfishly left with Reason, and left me with Doubt.

My heart has grown weary of trying to find reason in between your whispers that still resonate. I fell apart when you left me on my knees. Left me to tell of the greatest story never told, tell it how it could have been. I've been trying to put our puzzle together even though you hold on to the missing piece with tight grasp.

I've blamed myself... for falling in love with you; for not being more guarded with you, instead I was an open book; for finding refuge in your arms; for not loving you in slow motion; for not having fear of giving in or giving all; for fighting you to fight for me; for being more myself than by myself; for feigning for you to be the one to look after me; for being "too much, too passionate"; for you being the final push for me to leave then to stay; for being ready to say "I Love You" for the first time.

I stopped wondering why I fell, and wondered why you didn't.

Then I realized. I am all of this, I am too much, too passionate. If they are qualified as flaws, then flaws are the best part. I love hard, I love to the fullest. I love openly and outspokenly. I love with visible scars. I do this all, every time. And yes, it is too much, if your heart is uncertain of what Love really is, mine even though with bruises is willing and ready to experience each degree. Maybe you weren't open? Or ready? Or worthy? Or strong enough? Whatever it may be, I need to let go of someone that has been gone for months now.

I do miss you though; us; your touches, your sighs; your kisses; your whispers; your humility; your patience; your simplicity; your calmness; even your flaws. One thing is for sure, what I will always miss is how extroardinary we could have been together.

Breakdown

2008-07-27T16:16:00.003-04:00

"Breakdown" Mariah Carey Ft. Bone Thugs & Harmony

Breakdown - Mariah Carey - Mariah Carey

"Do you hold on in vain, as they just slip away?"

Yo, also, listen to Bone Thugs carefully.

Realize

2008-07-27T01:40:00.002-04:00

"Realize" Colbie Caillat

Realize - Colbie Caillat

"But I can't spell it out for you, no its never going to be that simple. If you just realize what i just realized then we'd be perfect for each other and never find another...we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other."

Simple. Super emo, but I love it!

I Want

2008-07-27T00:40:00.006-04:00

i just want you around - Lauryn Hill

I want to run into him again. I want the him to be the other half of us. I want those mornings that last all afternoon, with his kisses that fade away the past. I want to trust him again. I want us to forget reality and hurry up and wait in the dream of "us." I want him to look after me still. I want to win in his game of Love. I want to listen to him when he doesn't even whisper a word. I want to drive him around my neighborhood back home. I want to hold his hand again, fingertip to fingertip. I want to dance on his tippy-toes again. I want him to love me for me. I want him to kiss me on my shoulder again. I want him to reach out for me and I want to be right by his side when he does. I want him to miss me again. I want his arms around me again. I want to love somebody like him.

Old blog entry:

Monday, March 24, 2008 12:07 AM

Maybe, Just Maybe

I religiously fall victim to my own hope. And now, I've found someone who has me hoping for more hope: I'm hopeless.

Maybe, just maybe, someone has finally found me on a two way street. You look after me. Falling quick, deep and hard for the dancing on the tip of your toes with no music, the finger to fingertip hand holding, the way I lean "Into You," the "extra gentle" touches that weaken my loins yet strengthen the soul, tight grip on my hips, soft kisses on the baby hair covering my forehead, loving me the most in a wifebeater, the offerings from a towel to a spare key, how you'd hate my one-word answers "okay" when we'd fight, fight for one more second to be by each other. How your scent lingers on my skin, how you steal kisses.

Maybe, just maybe you'll be the only one who'd be around, who'd look after me... who'd I could trust... again.

I see the best of me in you.

Still I Await

2008-07-25T02:31:00.003-04:00

Even though its too late, and I am 46 states away...

I replay his every word, over and over again, hoping to find reason in between each breath. His sighs keep me awake. In the morning, I pray that when I flutter my eyelashes, I'd be in his arms, that he'd be feathering me from my fingertips to the top of my shoulder, as my legs would be wrapped in between his. I awake, reach out to find emptiness. Then I await for him to come from behind and kiss me on my cheek, as I lay. I await to hear, "Babe, shower?" I await for him to sit right by me on the couch, as I eat Special K, spill some milk on my knee, he'd laugh, lean over and kiss off every drop.

As the sun sleeps, I await even longer for him. To fit perfectly in between, to gently kiss me from my knees to my forehead, to stare into my eyes as we exhale. "Spoon!"

I tell myself it will get easier. The distance will help right? Outside voices try to pierce through, "maybe he wasn't the one" and "it wasn't love" but I can hardly differentiate the voices, for pain wins as the loudest.

I relive to live. I await to listen to him breathe. The weight of his unspoken words root the greatest story never told. For what I believe Love to be.. I fell for Love the minute I ran into him.

I would have stayed...

2008-06-20T14:45:00.002-04:00

It's fate, isn't it? Its fate's sweet revenge for the many times I persistently fought it face forward.

I would have stayed, except he wouldn't have fought for me. He pushed me away the minute he saw the fall ahead, then I tell him I'm leaving, instead of fighting, he turns away. I would have stayed. It would have been selfish of him, it would have been romantic of him, it wouldn't have been of him to do so, by its what I dreamed of, still do, for him to want me to stay, tell me.

Actually, I've been dreaming of us for three nights straight now. We're arguing, he tells me that it wouldn't have worked, that he would have ruined it. I tell him he's scared and plead for him to not push me away, it's cause he loves me. He walks away from me then comes back, sits right by me at the end of the bed. I start to cry of frustration and desperation, and the last words he whispers are, "and you're leaving me." Those words kill me even as I awake.

I can't stay though. I would have...if he wouldn't have pushed me away before, if he could have, if he could, let himself love me.

Just...Tell me

2008-06-06T18:46:00.005-04:00

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, and waking up is the hardest part...and giving up is the hardest part"

Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer

Honestly, I can't do this anymore...I can't be giving in, giving my all, getting hurt like this, getting left like this. I don't want to run the other direction when I see him. I don't want to want to just kiss him when I look over his direction. I don't want to live in our moments, live in our moments alone. I don't want to wonder why he's near but far. I just want him to tell me.

Tell me that my past hurt you. Tell me that there's no hope, that you can't let yourself love me even though I love you. Tell me that you can't forgive me for something that I did before I even knew you , not just of you, and knew I would fall in love with you. Tell me that I should get used to this ache in my heart, that I should just get used to reaching out for you in the middle of the night eventhough you won't be there. Tell me that its time for the white flag, to stop standing still waiting for you. Tell me that I am now getting dressed for two, for myself and someone else, not you any longer. Tell me that you don't plan to keep me in New York. Tell me that I should have never thought of staying because of you. Tell me that I need to find another you to love. Tell me it was foolish of me to fall in love in 3 months. Tell me that you never meant to offer me a key...that you never took off my ring when I, or we, broke my promise...that you never meant to kiss me gently, had me dancing on your tippy-toes, that you'd climb on top of me when I was falling asleep to kiss me on the cheek, that you wouldn't just lay with me to brush my hair to the side as I played with you baby hair as we watched Hitch. Tell me that you didn't love when I woke you up at 7:45am just so you can spoon. Tell me that you left me without any reason or warning. Tell me that you never meant to talk about the future, "our" future. Tell me that I was sleeping with the enemy all along. Tell me its not worth it for me to fight you to fight for me. Tell me that I couldn't fall in love in 3 months, tell me...because fuck...I fell in love.

I want to give up, because even in my dreams, it hurts, even in my dreams I cry, even in my dreams my faith is broken and even in my dreams I am losing hope. I can't lose hope, that's what I am known for. I can't.

Maybe

2008-05-29T11:27:00.003-04:00

Maybe its that this felt natural, organic. Maybe its that this felt truthful, potentially fulfilling, easily penetrated deeper than my tough skin. Clearly its "maybe" though. I've been trying to meet you once again, to be seen anew by you. Be my baby. Maybe its that it felt like we needed each other, you were the only one I would forever hold. Maybe its cause I had no fear to give in nor give all. Maybe its that you started to feel like home, becoming my home away from home. Maybe its that it felt like the world only turned for us. Maybe its that it felt as if you were my refuge to crawl underneath of and unravel yet become, away from hurt or so I thought. Then again, "maybe" is the closest to a promise, the root of hope, it is also translucent, intangible, maybe that's all we were as well.

Again

2008-05-11T17:34:00.005-04:00

I'm standing outside his door, on the steps, with my heart in my hand. In the same skin, I've been standing in when I was with him. Heedfully trapped in love with someone that is fighting his vulnerability. He's turning around in order to treat his affection towards me with contempt.

I keep reliving this moment, when we were laying, facing each other and I had my hoodie on, he would play with my fingers, intertwine them in between his, and I would play with his baby hair.

Bottled my soul, didn't want my lips to foolishly whisper how much I adored you, how much I still do.

My heart's remembrance of us magnifies Love's tangibility. You had managed to ease the burden of my past, a past that you feared you'd fall victim to. Its going to be one of those loves, in which I look around to see if you're head is down, smiling at my foolishness, my flaws even when I may be 46 states away. The love I want to caress the outline of my face, woo me when I'm having trouble sleeping at 2am. The love I'd love to wake up at 7:45am, to hear growl. The love that would affectionately touch my shoulder, till I'd turn around , pull me in with his arm around my waist. The love that would place his hand on my stomach to calm my fears of tomorrow.

Its crazy, you know, someone can come into your life and sweep you off your feet without your consent when you least expect it, and all you desire through out it all is to never touch the ground. I want to run into you again, I don't want to let you let me be. Each day passes I pray that you'd see that I'm still here, that to me, you've been the closest to Love.

I watch you as you play with you fingers and I can't help but trap myself in our past.

you may be right

2008-04-25T19:55:00.003-04:00

I need to stop, stop lingering to luckless moments. Following the soles of my daydreams. Wrapped up in telling it like it could be. You had me, more than me, what else is there, right? Its a bad habit of min, its not you...its falling n love with the side of you that was at the verge of falling for me. You don't know where you want to be, there isn't any compromise or reason to fight for you to get you.

And maybe you're right...I don't REALLY know you enough to REALLY like you. But this I do know, the outline of your face, the rough feel to your facial hair on your chin, the depth of the lines on your palm, the softness of your touch, how you're soft to the touch, your white tees are XXL, and how great those faded jeans look on you, and you knew that cause you would wear them more around me...I know that I fit perfectly in your arms, I know that I did and still do am in with you. Are you?

Skin

2008-04-18T12:19:00.000-04:00

Skins gotten thicker but it burns the same...

Got caught up in our future until you realized its tangibility. You listened, swept me off my feet then left me on my knees. Advanced past the labor of our foundation and selfishly reached out for the fruits of its false pretenses. Easily walking out on what you solely proposed to walk into. Forewarned you of the brightness of my true colors. My emotions, my passion and my pride...didn't you see the high voltage sign? Spilled all my secrets, slipping under your pillowcases, never seeking deeper than the flesh. Peeled the layers in plain sight, with first request.

This too shall pass...

Fool Me

2008-04-17T20:57:00.004-04:00

A part of me wants you to pretend, keep pretending. Tell me the feeling is mutual. Offer me a key to your apt. again. Tell me I am too much yet more than enough. Accept me flaws and all, see past my imperfections. Spoon with me, have me dance on top of your tippy-toes again. Lets play house. I'll cook for you still. Take off my wife-beater as I raise my arms. Kiss me on my forehead, my knee, weaken my flesh and nourish my soul. Purify me, simplify me. Kiss me as I start to sing. Keep me happy in your hands....Staple the blindfold, Fool me.

Another part of me wants to ask you to push me farther away. I need these self-doubts to fade. You don't listen to me as I am. Always too much, yet never enough. Re-reading in between the lines before I even whisper them to myself, let alone you. Scheming to win back your heart, when I can't claim what was never in my grasp even mine. Did you meaningfully play me for a fool? Tell me where it went wrong. Talk to me. Look at me in my eyes. Let down your pride, we both know you are purposely pushing me away, are you scared to let yourself fall? To let me in? To not handle me? Taking a step back while pushing me further. How can I look at you and not see myself in your eyes?